From Grand Theft Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search is a website in Grand Theft Auto V and Grand Theft Auto Online. It is a parody of[1], however the in-game website doesn't seem to work, as it gives all of the protagonists either the same results as each other, or different completely. After a few searches, the website will state that you are obsessed and need to find other things to do, showing that they've run out of the same few answers.


  • You can trace your liniage to William Beckwith Berden, born in Liberty City in 1805, moved to the Midwest and married a 42-year-old Norwegian immigrant after only knowing her for 5 days. They had 3 children together and she carved him up like a turkey one night and fed him to the hogs. The children were scarred for life, and have carried that deep psychosis for generations - notably to you, which explains why you are such a mess.
  • Your great great grandparents lived very hard lives on the plains. Isaac Willingford Van Burren was a stone mason and made bricks. One day, after lovingly crafting one for a week, he fling it at your great great grandmother and killed her. Luckily, she had popped out some kids, or you wouldn't be here. Try not to hate.

You are an asshole.

  • A close relative of your father's side was knighted in England in 1628, but after an illicit affair with one of the Queen's maids, fled to Australia where he went mad trying to mate with koala bears.
  • Don't you think it's a bit unhealthy to have such an obsession over old people - to the point that you're sexually obsessed with geriatics and people near death? Old people smell funny. Youth is where it's at.

Stop poking around old age homes for a distant cousin so you can participate in a freaky incest fantasy, instead get a hobby like alcoholsim or cricket. Move forward.