Ladies' Night/Script

The following is a script of the mission Ladies' Night in The Ballad of Gay Tony.


Luis: Yo, T.

Tony: Where have you been?

Luis: I got here as soon as I could, bro.

Tony: Oh man, Luis, Gracie. Luis, Gracie!

Luis: What about Gracie?

Tony: They got Gracie. She's gone. Evan's dead, now Gracie.

Luis: Fuck Evan. Who's got Gracie?

Tony: I - I don't know!

Luis: What are you talking about, bro? Where is she?

Tony: Some guys at war with her father, I guess. I don't know!

Luis: Hey, Gracie's pretty tough.

Tony: She's a princess!

Luis: She's a tough princess.

Tony: If they fucking hurt her...

Luis: Yeah, they'll have you, me and a mob family to deal with.

Tony: You never liked her. You never did. You never liked anyone.

Luis: That's not true. I like her.

Tony: No, you didn't!

Luis: She's my favorite coke whore.

Tony: Aw, and what makes you so good, huh? If it wasn't for me, you'd be selling dime bags on a street corner. I made you.

Luis: Yeah, and she and Evan made you into a junkie. Okay? I mean, she's not a bad person, okay? She's not a murdering greedy psychopath, like me. She's all heart... you know, if you can get past the accent. Okay, but she made you into a useless old queen, too whacked out on blow and pills to notice this business is going to shit.

Tony: Ah, here we go, huh, here we fucking go, huh? Oh, I see it in your eyes. You're embarrassed of me. You see me and think "Oh, this is it," this is the moment to put me down, this is the moment when the apprentice takes over, huh? Oh man, you think I'm done. You're not so fucking tough, Luis.

Luis: And you're not so smart, you dumb junkie fuck.

Tony: Oh yeah, fuck you Luis!

(Tony aims a pistol at Luis)

Luis: Come on Tony, chill out.

Tony: You're right. You're right. You're not the one with the problem. I am.

(Tony aims the pistol at himself)

Luis: T- Tony, what the - what the fuck are you doing?

Tony: No. I'm holding you back. I see that now. I see that now. You're the closet thing I've had to a son. I'm sorry, Luis. I love you. Goodbye.

Luis: Tony. Come on, man.

Tony: Goodbye. I love you.

(Tony pulls the trigger but it doesn't fire)

Tony: Shit! Shit!

Luis: Fuck!

(Luis disarms Tony and knocks him to the floor)

Luis: What the fuck is wrong with you, you dumb prick? Huh? Get up. Get up, so I can kill you myself. Get up!

Tony: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just - I just couldn't take it anymore.

(Luis helps Tony up)

Luis: Come on, get up. Get up your old bastard. Huh? Come on. Let's go find Gracie. Okay? Jesus Christ.

Tony: Oh, shit Luis.

Luis: Jesus Christ.


Tony: We should go and get the Ancelottis' chopper. It's just on the other side of the Booth Tunnel.


Tony: The Ancelottis said I should use their chopper. It's at the heliport on top of the entrance of the Booth Tunnel.

Luis: What we gonna do with a chopper?

Tony: What do you think we're doing on this outing? We're looking for Gracie.

Luis: You got any ideas where we might start doing that? It's a big city, Tone.

Tony: I may be semi-suicidal, but I'm not completely stupid, Luis.

Luis: You ain't even semi-suicidal, T. You're just over-dramatic. I wouldn't be surprised if that gun was just a movie prop.

Tony: We've been in enough shit recently for me to carry something a little bit more dangerous than a prop gun.

Luis: You'd think you'd know enough with all the shit we been in to take the safety off a gun before you use it.

Tony: Fair point. I'll get a post-it note for the next time. "Disengage before suicide attempt."

Luis: "Self-indulgent cry for help", you mean.

Tony: Okay. I need your help, Luis. You're all I've got left. You happy now? I said it. Well done. You win, jackass.

Luis: Okay, bro. Where we looking for this girl then?

Tony: There's some lowlifes in Dukes who might be involved. Losers even by current mob standards, which is saying something.

Luis: You from Dukes, ain't you?

Tony: I try to forget about that.

Luis: Okay. So we head over there and do what? Land on the roof and ask them where they got Gracie?

Tony: We just got to follow them. See if they take us anywhere interesting.

Luis: Okay, bro. Let's hope for the best.

Tony: Who knows what they could have done to that girl? She could be dead at the bottom of the West River now.

Luis: Or she could be driving some son of a bitch kidnapper crazy. I wouldn't wish that nasal whining voice on the worst guy out there. Gracie's got my backing over some chump hood from Dukes.

Tony: You're right. That could be the smart bet.

Luis: Her old man said something interesting to me, by the way.

Luis: Oh yeah, what did he say?

Tony: He's blaming us for this whole thing. Either we get her back or we're dead.

Luis: That's definitely interesting. How the fuck did he get that in his head? I barely know the girl.

Tony: It's the diamonds, Lou. Rocco's had a word with him.

Luis: Motherfucking guido hejo cabrone.

(Tony receives a photo of Gracie)

Tony: Shit. I just got forwarded a photo of Gracie from the kidnappers. The girl does not look good.

Luis: Hey, who knows. Bound and gagged might be the look for guido sluts next season. Anyways, look at the bright side, at least she's alive.


Tony: Shit. Rocco just forwarded me a photo of Gracie. They've gagged her.

Luis: I bet they have. Bro, I want to gag the bitch most times I see her. Joking, man. I was joking.

(The two arrive at the helipad)

Tony: This is where they keep the chopper.


Tony: Here's the Ancelotti chopper. Let's not screw it up as well.

(Luis and Tony enter the helicopter)

Luis: Come on, hurry up man.

Tony: Take us over to Cerveza Heights. Their house is over there.


Tony: The place we're checking out is over in Cerveza Heights.

(Luis begins to fly towards Cerveza Heights)

Luis: So, this isn't about Gracie, it's about saving our own asses?

Tony: Yes. This is a purely selfish act. Are you happy now?

Luis: Yeah, strangely I am. Now that I've realized I'm being blackmailed into doing this, it's become a lot clearer.

Tony: Great.

Luis: How are we going to get out of this, Tone?

Tony: What?

Luis: All this shit piling down on top of us. How are we going to get out? Have we got a plan?

Tony: I don't know. We could play the lottery, start a little ponzi scheme, buy some cheap diamonds and try to sell them at a profit. Oh wait, we've tried that and it's not going so well.

Luis: Fair enough.

Tony: You could marry a billionaires. That might get us out of our problems.

Luis: Oh yeah, I've already been pimped off once, T, and I nearly got killed because of it.

Tony: I'm serious Lou, most of the girls in this city have fallen in love with you at least once, how come you can't manage to find a rich one.

Luis: Cause I ain't like that.

Tony: I wish I had your principles, genius. At least you'll have a nice message on your gravestone. Mine will just say "Here lies unpopular fag."

Luis: What the fuck's gotten into you?

Tony: I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm stressed alright.

Luis: Aren't we all.

(Luis and Tony arrive at the house in Cerveza Heights)

Tony: I think that's the place we're looking for.


Tony: That's the house up there.

Tony: I think that's their car, Lou. The red one. Let's follow it.


Tony: That red car is leaving. Follow it.

(Luis and Tony begin to follow the kidnapper)

Tony: Where's he going?

Luis: I don't know where he's going, you idiot. That's why we're following him.

Tony: Okay, alright. But which way do you think he's heading?

Luis: West.

Tony: I can see he's going west. Where west?

Luis: There's a lot of shit west of Dukes. Could be Algonquin. Could head all the way over to Alderney. He might not be going west at all, might be heading over to the East Borough Bridge so he can get himself up to Bohan. Fuck, might just be heading down the block for a slice of pie.

Tony: Shit. Okay. Okay. I take your point. If you see him stopping let me know.

Luis: You'll see him stopping too, bro. You ain't going to sleep on me are you.

Tony: You think I could go to sleep at a moment like this?

Luis: What? You ain't got your pills?

Tony: No. I don't actually. I didn't even take an anti-anxiety and you know how I feel about flying.

Luis: You'll throw a guy out a chopper but you won't go for a ride in one? You should have shared your anti-anxiety pills with the Celebinator.

Tony: No amount of pills would prepare you for that.

Luis: Don't fuck with the Tony Prince empire baby. That's what's up!

Tony: Public relations as its finest.

Luis: If we could throw every fucking blogger out a chopper, bro. Keep them fools in line.

Tony: We could start an outsourcing company. We'd be rich overnight.

Luis: Strangely enough, that's exactly what we need to be.

Tony: Stop driving suspiciously, Lou. He'll get wise to us.

Luis: Get wise? What are we in some gumshoe novel now? I'm driving as un-suspiciously as you can when your boss only forked out for a weekend helicopter course. If he's getting wise it's because you're a tight ass.

Tony: You being anti-semetic now? Nice, next you'll call me a fag.

Luis: Oh yeah, play the minority card. Very clever. Unfortunately, I'm a minority too. So fuck you.

(The kidnapper drives through Middle Park)

Tony: He's cutting back on himself. I thought he was heading west.

Luis: Well, now he's heading east. We won't lose him, man. We're cool.


Tony: What's he going back through the park for? He onto us?

Luis: He's just going for a drive, T.

Tony: Come on, you dumb Dukes fuck. Take us to her!

Luis: You yell loud enough he might just hear you.

Tony: Maybe if we concentrate hard enough we can will him to go there.

Luis: I thought you got over that spiritual shit when you stopped dating the yoga instructor.

Tony: There are things that stick with you forever.

Luis: Like the fact that he could get his ankles around his ears and ate a lot of mung beans. That image is gonna stick with me. Jesus.

Luis: Where these guys from? Other than Dukes, I mean.

Tony: They're an Irish operation headed by this maniac called Gerald McReary. He's doing time at Alderney State.

Luis: Irish like those guys who robbed our bank? They could be the same ones that held me hostage.

Tony: Stranger things have happened.

Luis: What would they need a mob bosses daughter for when they got all the bank's money?

Tony: How the fuck do I know? I guess greed is a powerful motivator.

Luis: I got an idea.

Tony: Great. What is it?

Luis: We stop that fuck's car, we rig his balls to the battery. By the time he smells them cooking we'll know exactly where Gracie's at.

Tony: This a great bit of improvisation, Lou. But I think we should just follow him.

(The kidnapper drives into the Booth Tunnel)

Tony: He's going into the tunnel. We're fucked.

Luis: It's only got two exits, T. He should come right out over by where we picked up the chopper.

Tony: Or he could highjack some other car and we'll be sitting here waiting for him with our dicks in our hands.

Luis: Hey, my dick's in my pants not my hand, T, and it's staying there. Let's just wait to see if he comes out.


Tony: Look. He's going through the Booth Tunnel.

Luis: I ain't going in there, T.

Tony: You think I want you to kill us? Go over and meet him where he comes out. Over by where we picked this chopper up.

Luis: Okay, boss.

(The kidnapper comes out on the Alderney side of the Booth Tunnel)

Tony: There! He's coming out of the tunnel after all.


Tony: Look! There he is. He's coming out of the tunnel on the Alderney side.

Tony: I see him. He's crossed over to Alderney. He's coming out of the Booth right now.

Luis: You know how they got Gracie?

Tony: Something to do with that pink piece of shit car she had. They think the guy pretended he wanted to buy it.

Luis: She should have got suspicious the second anyone expressed an interest in that thing. Actually, wait, I can see you driving a pink car, T.

Tony: Why? Because people call me "Gay" Tony. In that case, you'd probably think I've got massive sculptures of cocks in my apartment as well. Gay guys love that shit, you cliche loving moron.

Luis: There was that one marble thing you bought.

Tony: That was art!

Luis: Yeah. Giant, veiny, penis-shaped art. At least you made a profit on it. Those were the days.

(The kidnapper drives into a parking lot)

Tony: Where's he going? What's he doing in the parking lot?

Luis: What's he been doing driving anywhere? We give him a moment and call it in if it feels weird.

Tony: Okay. Okay. Why does everything feel weird to me?

Luis: Because you owe money to half the city and the other half wants you dead. Paranoia's advised in our situation.

Tony: Look. He's just there. Lead us back to Gracie, you fucker!


Tony: He's going in the parking lot. What's going on?

Luis: I don't know. Shit.

Tony: She could be in the trunk of a car in there.

Luis: She could be in the trunk of the red piece of shit we're following.

Tony: They would have checked that. Let's see if he comes out.

Tony: That's him, isn't it? He better fucking take us back to Gracie now.

(The kidnapper stops at an apartment)

Tony: Look! He's stopping. That must be where they're keeping Gracie.

Luis: It's somewhere, at least.

Tony: What street is that?

Luis: I don't know Alderney well, bro, but I think the big one's Sacramento. Call it in.

Tony: Let's head back to the helipad.


Tony: Let's get this bird on the ground, Lou.

(Luis flies to the helipad)

Luis: You gonna call him.

Tony: I'm texting.

Luis: Look at you, bro.

Tony: What?

Luis: Down with the kids.

Tony: You work in the business, Lou. You should know that club promoters are the first to master all new forms of communication.

Luis: Always find a new way of profiting.

Tony: If we pull this off we'll profit - we'll get to keep our spinal cords.

Luis: Great. I like my spinal cord, bro. It would be a fucking shame to lose it.

(Luis takes the helicopter back to the helipad)

Luis: Okay, man, let me know if they find Gracie.

Tony: I hope for our sake they do. See you soon, partner.

Alternate Dialogue

Luis: What's this chopper for?

Tony: There are some punks in Dukes that might have a link to this thing. We're going to follow them and see if they lead us to our girl.

Luis: Okay. It's a shot in the dark, but it might work.

Tony: Let's hope so.

Luis: You calmed down now, T?

Tony: Of course I'm calm. I'm really calm. Why wouldn't I be calm?

Luis: I don't know, you did just point a gun at me. You nearly just shot yourself.

Tony: That? Oh yeah. I'm cool. Mellow.

Luis: Good. Because we're going to need to really hold shit together for a while if we want to survive this shit.

Tony: What do you mean? If we're going to get Gracie back?

Luis: I wasn't talking about that. I mean, I really want to get Gracie back, but at the end of the day that ain't our main problem.

Tony: What? We've got to get her back, alright.

Luis: All I'm saying is there are bigger problems we got to deal with. If Gracie came back tomorrow, we'd still be looking down the gun. We got debts, who knows how many people want us dead. At some point we're gonna have to start getting selfish...

Tony: Who cares about us? Gracie's safety has got to be our priority; she's an innocent.

Luis: An innocent? Come on T. Her dad's one of the biggest mobsters in the city. He runs a family, can't he handle this?

Tony: He's blaming us, Lou.

Luis: He's doing what?!

Tony: The diamonds. He says it's got something to do with the diamonds and Gracie hanging out with us. He's holding us responsible for the whole fucking mess.

Luis: What about that fucking greasy cabrone Rocco? He should be taking the shit for this, it ain't us T.

Tony: They look after their own.

Luis: Fuuuuuuuuck!

(Luis flies over to Cerveza Heights)

Luis: So, T, hypothetically, what would happen if we did find Gracie? We going to storm in there and make these kidnappers pay?

Tony: God no. Are you crazy?

Luis: Me fucking crazy? That's a bit rich coming from you.

Tony: You're the one who wants to start some armed offensive on the kidnappers of a mob skipper's daughter. What's the first thing they're gonna do? You've seen the movies. They'll cap her.

Luis: Oh, they'll "cap" her will they, Mr. Streetwise Dangerous Motherfucker? Ain't we being held responsible for this shit anyway?

Tony: Being tangentially blamed for an abduction I can just about handle. She comes back with ten fingers, ten toes, a smile on her face and a curse on her lips then we'll be fine. She gets a coup de grace after some half-cocked resue attempt, and we're well and truly assfucked. And not in a good way - prison style! Not gang-bang with a boy band style.

Luis: Thank you for sharing that image with me.

Tony: My pleasure. Now no here shit, Lou. Promise me. This is just a reconnaissance mission.

Luis: Sir, yes, sir. Observe and report.

(Tony and Luis begin to follow the kidnapper)

Tony: I hope he's not paranoid.

Luis: He's just kidnapped a mob boss' daughter. He's got every reason to believe some of the most unpleasant cats on the Eastern Seaboard are about to knock down his door and rip out his tongue. If he ain't fucking paranoid then he's fucking stupid.

Tony: Then he's probably going to see us, isn't he? The first thing a paranoid man looks for is a chopper. Even after half a nostril full of blow I'm hearing rotor blades and squinting at the sky.

Luis: This is Liberty City man. There must be twenty helicopters in this airspace at any given time. He ain't gonna think this chopper's got anything to do with him.

Tony: Don't doubt the imagination of a man on the brink.

Luis: Okay, bro. He might suspect we're chasing him. Let's hope he starts panicking and does something stupid.

Tony: Nothing as stupid as ordering a hit on poor little Gracie Ancelotti.

Luis: If he thinks he's paranoid now, it's nothing in comparison to the heat he'd feel if you ordered the death of a bosses girl.

Tony: The heat would be on us as well, Lou.

Luis: So let's hope he ain't as stupid as we've been lead to believe.

(Luis and Tony head back to the helipad)

Luis: So that's it.

Tony: What do you mean?

Luis: We did our bit. Ancelotti can't hold us responsible no more.

Tony: Sure. Yeah. Providing they find her and get her back safely. Then the only thing we've got to worry about with the Ancelotti's is the money we owe them and the fact that we got his baby girl kidnapped in the first place.

Luis: But we didn't get her kidnapped.

Tony: Shit, you're right. That fucker told me it was my fault so many times that I'm starting to believe it.

Luis: You need some rest, T.

Tony: Don't you worry, I'm taking a spa day the first opportunity I get.

Other dialogue

(Luis gets too close)

Tony: You're getting too close. Pull back.

Tony: Shit, you're going to spook him.

Tony: If he sees us we're fucked. What are you doing?

Tony: Don't get so close. He'll know we're on him.

Tony: Lou! Lou, what the fuck. He'll see us if we get any closer.

(Luis gets too far away)

Tony: Gracie's dead if we lose him. Shit.

Tony: Where's that red piece of shit, Lou. We're losing him.

Tony: Don't lose him, Lou. Where is he?

Tony: Shit, I can't see the car.

Tony: Where's he gone? Where the fuck has he gone?

Tony: What the fuck did I pay for those lessons for. Don't lose him.

Post mission phone call

Luis: Hello?

Rocco: Hola. Burrito.

Luis: Rocco, how'd you get my fucking number? I don't want to talk to you.

Rocco: Too bad, Mex. This line opened up just as soon as Tony took those points.

Luis: You know, Rock, your guinea ass is lower down this country's ethnic food chain than mine, so don't fucking condescend to me.

Rocco: Oh! I got Senora Sensitive here. Hey, look, I respect you so I'm gonna talk straight a second. Tony's pissed a lot of people off. You need to control him.

Luis: Tony's gonna calm down as soon as you stop sending us on suicide missions!

Rocco: Look at my position, it's some serious moula he owes. You think the higher powers are gonna stop expecting envelopes from me because of the homo's midlife crisis? Doctors' notes don't cut it with these people.

Luis: Be reasonable, then Rock. Chinatown? Bahama Mama's Those fucking bombs? That's some out of control shit, man.

Rocco: No! Tony's some out of control shit. Think about what he has got you into. But if you think about it too long then there might be no getting out of it. Comprende?

Luis: Not really, bro. Goodbye.

Failing the mission

Chopper destroyed

Tony: The Ancelotti chopper. Shit, Lou, the old man loved that as much as his daughter.

Luis: Does it really matter if there's another thing them guys are pissed at us for? I'm sorry, T. Later, bro.

Kidnapper escapes

Tony: That guy could be anywhere now. Poor little Gracie.

Luis: So what if we lost him, man. They're gonna put in a ransom demand and Ancelotti will pay up. I'll see you soon, ok?

Following too close

Tony: Shit. They're onto us. They're going to fucking kill her.

Luis: Oh yeah, we better leave the country then, T. Vice, Santos, who knows where, but we need to get the fuck out of here. Call me, okay?