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===Ludendorff Weekly (Sandy Munsen): Gun fight at Cemetery=== | ===Ludendorff Weekly (Sandy Munsen): Gun fight at Cemetery=== | ||
{{quote|A grave was desecrated and several Chinese gangsters were left dead in a violent and bizarre incident in Ludendorff yesterday that has left police confused. In the worst violent crime to take place in the state since the famous depot robbery of nine years ago, a gangland shootout erupted at a cemetery, involving Chinese triads and an uncertain number of Caucasian gun men. The Chinese, who the FIB believe have links to the Wei Cheng Triad, a prominent criminal gang in China and Hong Kong, were not previously believed to have much presence in North Yankton although maybe they have come, enticed like everyone else, by our booming oil industry and glorious weather. No one is yet sure what caused the shootout but it seems as if someone dug up the grave of Michael Townley. Bizarrely Mr Townley was himself responsible for the robbery of nine years ago. The links between the two incidents are very unclear at present.}} | {{quote|A grave was desecrated and several Chinese gangsters were left dead in a violent and bizarre incident in Ludendorff yesterday that has left police confused. In the worst violent crime to take place in the state since the famous depot robbery of nine years ago, a gangland shootout erupted at a cemetery, involving Chinese triads and an uncertain number of Caucasian gun men. The Chinese, who the FIB believe have links to the Wei Cheng Triad, a prominent criminal gang in China and Hong Kong, were not previously believed to have much presence in North Yankton although maybe they have come, enticed like everyone else, by our booming oil industry and glorious weather. No one is yet sure what caused the shootout but it seems as if someone dug up the grave of Michael Townley. Bizarrely Mr Townley was himself responsible for the robbery of nine years ago. The links between the two incidents are very unclear at present.}} | ||
==The Ballad of Rocco== | |||
===Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): You are drinking feces.=== | |||
{{quote|The recently published study that reveals what is actually in our drinking water should be of no surprise. Living in LS we are well aware that the water tastes like crap. The study commissioned by Flow Independent Research proves what we already know - that drinking bottle water is the cleanest, safest and most environmentally sound option without question.}} | |||
===Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Talent agent murdered.=== | |||
{{quote|Vinewood agent and promoter Rocco Pelosi has been found dead. Police have not yet issues any official statement but the death is being treated as murder. Pelosi, who some thought had connections to organized crime in Liberty City and was known in Vinewood more for his physical clout than industry clout, had no shortage of enemies on either coast, and the list of possible suspects is expected to be long.}} | |||
==The Bureau Raid (Roof Entry)== | |||
===WNKA International (Faith Bailey): Data thieves raid Bureau, Helicopter crash devastates building.=== | |||
{{quote|Unknown assailants who broke into the Federal Investigation Bureau's West Coast Headquarters were forced to fight their way out after their escape helicopter crashed into the building. This morning the FIB is dealing with the effects of the fire, and pertinent questions about about how the security system allowed such a breach. Following the incident celebrity Special Agent Steve Haines gave a press conference vowing to bring whoever was responsible to justice.}} | |||
===Talkin' Balls (Jerry Donaldson): Finally! Los Santos is getting a football team.=== | |||
{{quote|A cheer went up in sports bars across the city as it was announced that the Liberty City Wrath will be moving to Los Santos pending league approval and several mounds of paperwork and payola. Some taxpayers are whining that a city in debt shouldn't be giving billions in tax breaks to billionaires, but now is the precise time to do that. Having a football team will bring all kinds of much needed business and excitement back to our city. Ticket scalper, DUI lawyers and domestic violence councilors are all in for a bonanza.}} | |||
===Liberty Tree (Andrea Anderson): Begging goes cyber with Beseecher.=== | |||
{{quote|We normally look down on people who sponge money off us. Now, thanks to the Internet, you can panhandle all day long from the privacy of your masturbation den. Beseecher, the crowdsourcing website, is all the rage as young entrepreneurs, drunk on homemade beer or intoxicated with the fumes of their surfboard resin, think everyone else should give them money to start a business that will ultimately fall dead in the water. But out of dead dreams rise new journeys, like writing for a news site instead of becoming an award winning author like I deserve.}} | |||
==The Wrap Up== | |||
===Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Buff babes create confusion=== | |||
{{quote|Women are weak and men are strong according to the old adage. But these days it's often the other way around as women are weightlifting. Local resident Anthony King told reporters yesterday that the trend of female bodybuilders working out in Vespucci Beach is bringing strange feelings to the surface. He said they excite and revolt him with equal measure, as he thought his strange feelings for women with pronounced muscles had been buried for good in his teenage years.}} | |||
===Los Santos Meteor (Frank Edwards): Terror in Los Santos=== | |||
{{quote|Usually it's kept to the movies, but Los Santos erupted in real terror yesterday. Many agents were left dead as the IAA and the FIB fought valiantly to defeat an unknown enemy assailant in a bloody battle at the Kortz Center. Private security contractors from Merryweather were also thought to have engaged the enemy as the war on terror hit our streets. Shocked passersby watched agents as they battled bravely to stop the terrorists. Confusion reigned, and at certain moments it seemed as if the agents were fighting each other, but order was soon restored. FIB spokesman Gary Lane told reporters at the scene - "we will not sleep until we have identified the people responsible for this incident. Several agents fell in the line of duty, but luckily no innocent people were affected." Both IAA and FIB officials called for increased funding to fight the war that has now arrived in our city.}} | |||
==Reuniting the Family== | |||
===StarsTalk (Jack Vinton): Lazlow - body mods not a midlife crisis.=== | |||
{{quote|Following the ridicule he has received recently, self appointed anodyne metrosexual TV host Lazlow held a press conference yesterday to tell anyone concerned (of which there were only two of us), that his recent body modifications were 'forced on him'. In a rambling testimony, Lazlow kept talking of dark forces at work and bad men who wanted him dead, and that somehow this was not a midlife crisis. Lazlow's agent told us afterwards via cellphone "he is a great guy but he's been under a lot of stress with the show not doing so well and he's always been something of a fantasist. Best not to take him too seriously."}} | |||
===Talkin' Balls (John Jackson): It takes a hero to admit whiskey dick.=== | |||
{{quote|Our jimmy hats go off to baseball legend Carl Wilkins for admitting he used performance enhancing drugs before casual exploitive sex with desperate lonely groupies. It is good to see sports heroes admit what we have known for a long time: That women's reproductive organs are too complicated and in most cases you lose your erection after half an hour when you start thinking about video games and pizza. It is heartwarming to see more athletes admit they need doping before sex.}} | |||