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===Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): Dead sunbather on front lawn for days.=== | ===Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): Dead sunbather on front lawn for days.=== | ||
{{quote|Neighbors are shocked at the passing of 82-year-old Ethel Winthrop who spent her days on a lawn chair sipping alcoholic drinks. A grandmother who was forbidden to visit her granchildren, she made happiness the only way she knew how - with gin and screaming at passing cars. She was dead on her lawn for days before someone noticed she might not be sleeping off a hangover. Services will be held this weekend. Her will requested an open viewing in her bikini. Her family will adhere to her wishes as long as they don't have to attend.}} | {{quote|Neighbors are shocked at the passing of 82-year-old Ethel Winthrop who spent her days on a lawn chair sipping alcoholic drinks. A grandmother who was forbidden to visit her granchildren, she made happiness the only way she knew how - with gin and screaming at passing cars. She was dead on her lawn for days before someone noticed she might not be sleeping off a hangover. Services will be held this weekend. Her will requested an open viewing in her bikini. Her family will adhere to her wishes as long as they don't have to attend.}} | ||
==The Big Score (subtle approach)== | |||
===Weazel News (Cynthia Kelly): Internet goes wild as Eyefind Street maps launch pics of inside your home=== | |||
{{quote|I have to admit it. I was skeptical at first. The leading search engine company is using sophisticated technology to take pictures of the inside of my house? What about my privacy? My doubts all washed away yesterday as the service went live. I virtually bopped around the homes of my friends having the time of my life. I had never been to my boss's house - but now I have and know he loves troll dolls. An ad popped up and I can buy him one for this birthday. My ex-husband has a messy kitchen. That made me happy. And going room by room in the homes of the Fame or Shame judges (Hello Anita jungle swing!) made my day. Lifeinvader may have the tagline Invasion Never Felt So Good, but it applies here too.}} | |||
===WNKA International (Faith Bailey): America no longer popular with illegal immigrants.=== | |||
{{quote|America is no longer the promised land. While immigration remains a massive political issue in the UK, as people harken back to a golden time, when we ran the world and seemed to know we were doing, in the US, thjings are even more confusing. A recent poll conducted by someone with a clipboard and far too much time on their hands produced remarkable results - in news that will please conservatives, many illegal immigrants say they are warning family back home to stay where they are - life is now so tough in America, there's absolutely no reason to risk death trying to get there.}} | |||
===Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Massive Withdrawal from the Union Depository.=== | |||
{{quote|Thieves withdrew around two hundred million dollars' worth of gold bullion from the Union Depository earlier, making the price of gold skyrocket. Employees at the bank willingly handed over the gold to the criminals thinking they were an armored car crew. The gold was then transported to Mission Row were it was loaded into four cars. Events are unclear at this point, but it appears that a security team from Merryweather discovered the heist crew before any crime was reported. They engaged them in a fire fight but wwere unable to stop them escaping past Legion Square and into the city. The police were finally called, but it was too late to stop the criminals from getting away.}} | |||
==The Third Way== | |||
===Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): A prominent Chinese gang Boss murdered.=== | |||
{{quote|Wei Cheng, a prominent Triad gang boss was murdered yesterday. His Triad had been weakened by a series of recent incidents, both in Los Santos and bizarrely up in Ludendorff, North Yankton. Mr. Cheng, a Chinese national, was believed to be prominent in a two-way drug and weapon trade between China and the US, smuggling materials in and out of the country via the Por of Los Santos.}} | |||
===Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Steve Haines, FIB Agent and TV host murdered while shooting TV show about being FIB Agent.=== | |||
{{quote|Steve Haines, decorated FIB agent and host of the popular TV show "The Underbelly of Paradise" unwittingly helped expose that underbelly further yesterday as he was assassinated while filming a segment of his TV show on the Ferris Whale on Del Pierro Pier. Agent Haines, who had twice recently been injured in the line of duty, had been an agent for nearly 20 years and a TV host for five.<br /> | |||
FIB spokesman Gary Lane told the Los Santos Meteor "Agent Haines died a hero, doing what he loved, which was presenting a TV show. He really helped combine the chaos of anti-terrorism and the mindlessness of network television into one highly successful career.<br /> | |||
Mr. Haines, who was not married, lived with his mother.}} | |||
===Liberty Tree (Ian Garraway): Controversial investor gone.=== | |||
{{quote|Billionaire investor and life style guru Devin Weston has disappeared. Police suspect foul play, but no body has been recovered. Mr. Weston, 51, who rose to fame in the tech bubble and subsequently made more money in a host of other industries, including entertainment, the Internet, currency trading and luxury travel, recently caused controversy when he invested heavily in Merryweather, the notorious and discredited private security firm run by Don Percival. Police responded to sounds of gunfire at Mr. Weston's villas in the hills above Chumash, but despite signs of violence and several dead security guards, Mr. Weston himself was not found, dead or alive. Also missing was one of Mr. Weston's collection of luxury cars.}} | |||
===Los Santos Shepherd (Jerome Smith): Harold Joseph Killed.=== | |||
{{quote|A notorious member of the Chamberlain Gangster Families gang was killed yesterday, only months after he was released on parole. Harold OG Stretch was shot while playing basketball. No witnesses have come forward. Mr. Joseph was unmarried.}} | |||
===Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Not a merry day for Merryweather.=== | |||
{{quote|In a sad day for national security, private security company Merryweather has announced that it has shut down its domestic operations indefinitely following another high-profile incident, this time a shootout at a foundry in East Los Santos. Merryweather will switch focus back to its "bread and butter" security contracts in the Middle East where the enemies are less well-equipped, the glare of the media lens is less harsh, and preemptive strikes less likely to be taken out of context as "killing sprees". | |||