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→Routine 3
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===Routine 3=== | ===Routine 3=== | ||
'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Gervais! | |||
'''Gervais''': Hi, How you doing? Cheers, thanks. I have been known... to have a go at fat people, but the truth is - I'm a bit overweight myself. | |||
'''Audience''': No shit! | |||
'''Gervais''': Someone shouted, "No shit". Could be that. Forty years build up. I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour, and I've had medicals before for TV work, and they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine". But I went along to the doctor, and he said, uh... "Oh, it's a bit more thorough than usual, you know, it's a big tour. We need a urine sample." I've never had to do that before, so ah... you know, I went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold. Gave it back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?". I thought, "This is thorough." So I stripped down to my boxer shorts, "Ah for fuu..." The one day I wear white boxer shorts... big wet patch from the wee. Well, why didn't he warn me? Why didn't he say, "Be careful, I'll be checkin' for stains in a minute." Do you know what I... So embarrassing, there's nothing I could do. I told my friend, and my friend went: "You should have gone commando! "Well, that would have been less embarrassing, wouldn't it? So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and I go, "Oh God, I've wet myself, what can I do? I know!" Go commando... do commandos not wear pants? Why is it called goin' comm....? They must wear pants... I dunno, any commandos in... do you wear...? "Why you... Why you not wearing pants?" "What do you mean, cuz' we're commandos? They... They're gonna see that, at least camouflage it!" "Put a little... well, now it's getting bigger, why's it getting bii...??? Look, there's barbed wire up... you're gonna lose it! Pop it away! Wha...?!" Go commando. But I am a bit overweight... I never worried about that before I was famous. And I'm not more vain now, it's that, you read about yourself... and the papers, they need an adjective. They can't just say, "Ricky Gervais, Comedian". They say things like, "Ricky Gervais, Tubby Comedian". Why bring that into it? "Ricky Gervais, Rotund Comedian." Rotund?!!! That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund! One called me a Chubby Funster! That's a gay porn name! I was jogging once, listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player. "Oh yeah, looking good." Paparazzi got me. Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline... "IPodge". Cheeky bastards. Thanks very much, good night! | |||
[[Category:GTA IV Scripts]] | [[Category:GTA IV Scripts]] | ||