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About Me

I was born in Chicago, New York, a suburb of Boston. I am the fifth child of three children. My fourth brother is Captian Oblivious.

Upon my arrival into this world, I came out smoking a cigar, slapped the nurses bum, and began stuttering. Despite my obvious facial impairment, I did well in school, and I was voted by my schoolmates "Boy most likely to become president of Finland after winning the 1992 presidential election with 43.0% of the vote against Republican incumbent George H. W. Bush's 37.4% of the vote."


I graduated magna cum laude in 1985 with an A.B. in History and Literature and a C.D. of William Shatner singing Christmas carols. My senior thesis concerned the use of Jay Leno's chin as a method of feeding the third world.

I am the current president of Finland, butcher, baker, candle stick maker, and outspoken gun critic.

My Beard

It's fluffy and magical, but thanks to Will Ferell, it is now gone.