Chatterbox FM/Script

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1. Squirell guy:

Lazlow: Alright , Liberty City , this is your talk radio show Chatterbox , where your oppinion matters . Let's go to the phones...hello caller , you're on Chatterbox .

Caller: Hey , ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating.

Lazlow: Naah , I really can't say I have.

Caller: Hell , ya aught to try it sometime , I tell ya man , it's good eating . Possum , raccoons , even zebra meat , cooks up pretty good .

Lazlow: Err , do you have anything else to say , or....

Caller: Pigeons . Pigeons are good too . Sometimes , they come with notes attached... it's like... a fortunate cookie with wings. Squirrels... squirrels is not so good , they ... taste like goldfish ... meats real stringy. Ya know what I mean?

Lazlow: Ermm , actually , I can't say that I do . .. umm.... but if I did eat too much squirrel , and put on a few extra pounds , I'd use the Dormatron ... unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake , the Dormatron actually exercises you over night .

2. "Is that your real name?" girl:

Lazlow: Oh, well, that's a good commercial! I love commericals, don't you? This is a Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now. Hello, caller! You are on the air!

Caller: Hi, Lazlow. Is that your real name?

Lazlow: Huh? Of course it's my real name.

Caller: Are you Hungarian?

Lazlow: Uhh, no I'm from upstate.

Caller: Are you sure that's not a fake radio name like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names.

Lazlow: Do you have a question or you just wanna sit here and talk all day about my name?

Caller: No, that's it! Love you so, Lazlow... or Mark, or John or Beverly. Whatever your name is.

3. Сrossbreeding guy:

Lazlow: Alright, next caller! You are on chatterbox. What is on your mind?

Caller: Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're known back home.

Lazlow: Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice, that's on later!

Caller: Nooo! He got taken off the air! He lied, I know he did! I've been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekingese midget fighting bitch for the last two years! And it is impossible... impossible, I tell ya.

4. Mother concerned about video games:

Lazlow: Okay, and speaking of impossible, - Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today! Hello, Jane!

Jane: Hi, Lazlow. I love the show, I'm a first-time caller. I wanted to say something about these video games. They are warping our kids minds! My son's dog Bugo got hit by a truck and he said: "Mommy, mommy where's the reset button?". Kids these days, they think life is a game! Well, it's not a game, Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games and now he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My little Sam's been playing this new video game called Pogo the Monkey...

Lazlow: Yeah, I've heard of that one!

Jane: ...the shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a homemade banana cannon in shop class and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of video games! Lazlow, life does not have a reset button.

Lazlow: Right, but this show does... (pushes the button) I love that button! You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. 'Speccialy if you're in our key demographic.

Donald Love: Love Media - bringing people and the finest in entertainment together.

5. SPANKed up conspiracy theorist:

Lazlow: Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox.

Caller: I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh, you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!

Lazlow: Err...what's your question?


Lazlow: Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this...

Caller: Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!

Lazlow: How's that?

Caller: Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I..I've read books!

Lazlow: And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?

Caller: Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!

Lazlow: I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy in later life...

Caller: I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!

Lazlow: Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important messages...

Caller: Sell out!

6. Crazy fan:

Lazlow: Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline, and tell us what's on your mind! Line 4, you're on Chatterbox! What's on your mind?


Lazlow: Aah, that's lovely, thanks.

7. "Another lunatic":

Lazlow: Next caller, you're on Chatterbox.

Caller: That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are made from sand.

Lazlow: Okay, great, another lunatic.

8. Short guy:

Lazlow: Hello, next caller, you are on Chatterbox.

Caller: Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well, you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the frigging cheesy-swirls at the grocery store.

Lazlow: Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against ya, I mean...

Caller: You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego-maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants: "Oh, I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf, hey, what's the weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you get that, your closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?" Who do you think you are?!?!? Short people are people too!!!

Lazlow: Alright, another award-winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say about anything, call now.

9. Gun caller:

Lazlow: Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox!

Caller: Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions, that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about "guns kill people", guns don't kill people, death kills people! Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact - you can't die from a bullet. You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I only use my machine-gun in the safety of my own home and car. I ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't American.

Lazlow: Y-you know that's a really good point. Countries that don't have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns, we'd have less shootings in this country.

10. Taxes guy:

Lazlow: Alright, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are on Chatterbox.

Caller: Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes.

Lazlow: You mean...the lone-star state?

Caller: No - taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My father worked his whole life, he played the Lottery, and now the state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that stuff?! Buy your own Lottery tickets, you know, hey!?!

Lazlow: Good point, I think that's a lesson to us all.

11. "Freddie needs a nanny":

Lazlow: Alright, hello, you are on Chatterbox.

Caller: Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to Liberty City from Hampshire, in England.

Lazlow: Oh, really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used to the language? Y-you speak English pretty good.

Caller: Oh, thank you Lazlow. Yes, yes, I do like it here. There's one thing, though, that's very different and rather worrying. When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow.

Lazlow: Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in America, know?

Caller: Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is, Lazlow, when, when, when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked. N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and Freddie needs a nanny, because when Freddie's naughty, he needs to get spanked.

Lazlow: Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development.

Caller: Ab..ab...absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddie needs a nanny. He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddie's been a very naughty boy.

Lazlow: How... how old is your son?

Caller: Excuse me?

Lazlow: How old is your son??

Caller: I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats!! But Freddie needs a na...

Lazlow: Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green card??!

12. Sine & Cosine guy:

Lazlow: This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies, taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello, you are on Chatterbox.

Caller: I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of society if you don't understand how the government spends your money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it.

Lazlow: Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be right back after this message.

  • House of Tomorrow commercial

13. Fernando Martinez:

Lazlow: And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez, who it says here is the founder of "Fernando's New Beginnings", a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando, welcome.

Fernando: The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I feel blessed.

Lazlow: Err, thanks, so tell me about "Fernando's New Beginnings".

Fernando: Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing! It is a revolution in the marriage guidance! For my people, marriage is... how you say... sacred! The bond between the father and the mother... it is made in heaven! And, in the bedroom...if you know what I mean.

Lazlow: Err... I think so...

Fernando: For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel! The woman, she must be many, many arts! Be skilled in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the babies, and... she must also be a whore! A vixen in the bedroom! Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh! It is impossible... you change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not.

Lazlow: Well, I mean, you know, it's an age-old problem, I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a marriage?

Fernando: Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger... how, Lazlow, how? Tell me how and I give you...a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman! But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because... you do not know!

Lazlow: Well, I mean in this case, ignorance... err... kinda seems like bliss... I err... I wasn't really up for kissing on air... or I mean...

Fernando: Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? Well no matter! Why all this talking about kissing?

Lazlow: I brought it up!

Fernando: No my friend... you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a big difference! If I say: "Imagine if your wife was ugly", you can nod your head. But if I say: "Hey Lazlow, your wife, she look like yesterday's dinner after I eat!". You not so happy! It's a big difference, my friend.

Lazlow: Anyway...

Fernando: The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man... is born... a man! And a man with needs... he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else... Something magical... A dream... Sueño...

Lazlow: So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture.

Fernando: Exactly, Lazlow! I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But an idiot! I can save you! And I can save your marriage!'

Lazlow: Eh-heh, my marriage doesn't need saving, heheh..."

Fernando: Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen, Lazlow! And listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it is a present from above... But you are a man! I think we see by now you are no angel! I can save you! For when the man, he sees wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he's not thinking marriage bed! He's thinking about what you thinking about your pretty assistant! We already know that, see!

Lazlow: Aahh... go on...

Fernando: But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy? For your little secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the "come-here-and-do-this" smile, and then what my friend? What then?"

Lazlow: Erm... I get a sexual harassment suit.

Fernando: If you are lucky, my friend! But you, more likely, your marriage is ruined, Lazlow. Your sweetheart - she hates you. Your pretty secretary - she wants you to be her man. You back here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving my car, and I realize: "Fernando, you are blessed!". You are a miracle! A thousand miracles rolled into one! You save the marriage, and, you save the man! You don't put the marriage first, and you don't put the man first! Maybe, we call it "Man Marriage"... Then I think to myself: "No... this is a bad name! It sounds really dumb." Then I think, we call it "Fernando's New Beginnings." Because that is... what it is. A new beginning, Lazlow.

Lazlow: So, how does this work?

Fernando: It is a miracle, Lazlow! A miracle! A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread... six and a half days a week! On the spare half day, I save his life!"

Lazlow: How?

Fernando: By giving him what he needs... in a controlled environment... I give him passion!

Lazlow: What, with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market.'

Fernando: Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that! But no, not with me! Passion for life! Passion for love... Passion for women... Which he can take home to his wife, of course.

Lazlow: What, so you act like a pimp?

Fernando: Not a pimp, little man, a savior! In a controlled environment I reintroduced the man to a pleasure he has lost! To the miracles of the world! And truly, the results are remarkable. With my unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more could be saved, everyday!

Lazlow: Eh-heh...and...and do the wives know about this?

Fernando: In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved.

Lazlow: Errr...okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones. If you've got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now... eh... hey cool, we have a caller on line 1, caller, you are on Chatterbox.

Jerry: Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time caller, and I just wanted to say: hey, Lazlow, you were real tough on Fernando back there. I'll tell you one thing... he's a miracle worker! He saved my marriage! And I married a bus of a woman! Now I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes!

Fernando: See Lazlow, you see??? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he is like a broken man! Like a half a man... a "ma", if you will. He has no "n" anymore, and his marriage it is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone! Replaced by ugliness! You see, Lazlow, Mrs. Jerry... she is not a pretty lady! She is more like an offensive lion, or a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile! She gives Jerry five kids! But she is even bigger! Now she is like a whole offensive line... he feels no pride in himself! He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he cries: "Fernando, save my marriage! I love my wife... even though she is a fat porker!" And I say: "Jerry, you are a man! It is a man's duty to love his wife even if she is like a farmhouse!' And now, Jerry is saved.

Lazlow: By... sleeping with other women.

Fernando: Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing!

Lazlow: A beautiful union by a... an adulterer and Queen Kong! That's great. So err... who's on the line now?

Janice: Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in, but you really offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you got on the show?

Lazlow: Hey Janice, I share your anxiety! The studio kind of... forced him on me.

Fernando: Hey, you watch yourself mister! And you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?

Janice: No, he's an idiot! And a jerk!

Fernando: But he's probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty! Angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady! This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think "The New Beginnings" is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For Janice, if her husband goes to "New Beginnings", she thinks sénor wonderful, all over again. And, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me! And she get a new beginning herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for herself! Listen, Janice, you call me... cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve dos-nueve-dos

Lazlow: Eh-heh... now listen... don't try to pimp-out my listeners!"

Fernando: That is a very ugly word! A travesty! I work miracles, sénor, not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these insults very personally! And then, you no longer "Mr. Talk-show", you "Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue"!

Lazlow: Eh-heh... who are your people anyway? I... eh... which exotic location do you come from?!?

Fernando: I am...I am Latin.

Lazlow: Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in "Latin"?

Fernando: I do not need to listen to these insults! I have pride, I have a calling! Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!"

Lazlow: So, err... er... where were you called from, Fernando??

Fernando: From up-state, okay, you happy money now??? I'm not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion! I work the miracles, everyday! Listen wives, children... if your husband, if your daddy, if he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week... I give you the world!!!

Lazlow: Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from up-state, get out of my studio!!!

Fernando: I save your daddy... I save your husband... it is a miracle!!!

Lazlow: Get outta here!!!

Fernando: It's a miracle!!!

See also