Before the tour
Tour guide: See all the best sights in Vinewood, like where famous people shit! Get your tickets now. We have the best guides in Vinewood! Get the inside scoop on all the hotspots!
Tour guide: As I'm contractually obliged to say… buckle up, everyone, its showtime!
Tour guide: Vinewood is often referred to as the anal bleaching capital of the world.
Tour guide: On your right you'll see the world famous Gentry Manor Hotel. A legendary party hangout for actors and rockstars and… people trying to have sex with actors and rockstars. Built in 1921, it's been the scene of some classic Vinewood scandals over the years. One of my personal favourites was Al Di Napoli's overdose in 2002, after a chimpanzee blasted an 8-ball up his rear door with a water pistol. Fantastic! They say that on any given day, there are at least two dead party girls in the trash cans round back. Isn't that great?
Tour guide: Okay, smartphones at the ready, celeb-spotters… we are now approaching the legendary nightclub The Dungeon Crawler. Opened in 1996, the club is famously owned by actor Bruce Spade, who has a custom-built, elevated VIP table so that he looks the same height as everyone else. It remains one of Vinewood's hottest nightspots for the rich and famous to do drugs and date-rape impressionable fans. Play your cards right and that could be you! The Dungeon Crawler was in the news again recently when comedian Morgan Chester allegedly ran over a doorman in his SUV for not laughing at one of his jokes.
Tour guide: Oh, and now a treat for you closet glam rockers on board. We're coming up to the infamous Tequi-La-La rock bar. Back in the day, this was a restaurant run by the mob until it got shut down over the 'Adam's apple in the soup' controversy of 1982. It reopened as the Tequi-La-La Bar in 1983, and soon became a mecca for hair metal bands and fans from across the country. It's rumored that the Love Fist song 'Dangerous Bastards' was written about a night they partied here on mescaline with some transgender twins.
Tour guide: Now this house up ahead is one of the many private residences of action movie director Mark Fostenburg. Fostenburg still maintains he was out of town when a fifteen year old Mexican girl was found dead in his pizza oven in 2007. The case was settled out of court and all charges were dropped. The girl's family now live on the next street.
Tour guide: So, this is the house of television exercise guru, The Craze. You might have seen him degrading himself recently on Rehab Island. Do any of you remember the eighties? Strange times. People didn't go to the gym back then. They did jumping jacks in front of the TV in legwarmers and headbands. The Craze swapped his gold lamé leotard for a crack pipe in the ninties, but is reportedly now, 'clean, and in the best shape of his life.' That's Vinewood's code for, 'he's trying to make a comeback.'
Tour guide: This is the home of celebrity wild child Martha Term. Daughter of seventies comedy star Joanie Term, Martha spent her teens partying on booze, her early twenties partying on coke, and her mid twenties staring at her shoes on heroin. Her tell-all autobiography about the difficulties of growing up really rich in Vinewood only sold thirty copies last year.
Tour guide: I should remind you this is a no smoking bus, unless of course it's medical marijuana. Then you're alright.
Tour guide: Just up ahead is another place to see and be seen in Rockford Hills – the Richman Hotel. An iconic entertainment industry hangout, sleazy producer types have been promising to make young girls stars here for over a hundred years now. Not gonna lie... I did some shameful things in that lobby bar in my youth, but I've put that period of my life behind me now.
Tour guide: Is everyone having fun?
Tour guide: Here you can see the landmark Weazel Theater, which was opened here in Morningwood in 1930. Some of the biggest movies in history have premiered at this theatre, including Blue Blood, Shoulder of Orion, and The Many Wives of Alfredo Smith. You might remember the controversial premiere of the gladiator comedy Lions and Donkeys in 1984 when star Chip Hampton walked up the red carpet with two slaves in chains.
Tour guide: Count yourselves lucky, my prescription just got renewed this morning.
Tour guide: And now to our left, ladies and gentlemen, is the famous Richards Majestic Studios. The product placement for classics like Nelson in Naples, and Rum Runner; and the not-so-classics like Vinewood Zombie and Shoulder of Orion Two, was shoe-horned into the final edits right behind those very gates. Everyone has a favorite Solomon Richards movie. An American Divorce really helped me through a difficult time when I was bankrupting my first husband. Oh, come on, don't people in the Midwest watch movies? You must have seen Defender of the Faith? No? Wow, tough crowd.
Tour guide: Just up ahead on the right is where Delancey Medua's septum fell out after a ketamine party.
Tour guide: Remember – these people are rich and beautiful, and that makes them better than us.
Tour guide: Okay people, get those cameras out – this is Portola Drive. You won't get a better chance to spot a celebrity in its natural habitat. As you can see, the recession hasn't hit this part of town very hard. These are some of the most offensively high-end designer stores in the country. And now, some fun trivia for you; there have been a number of movies shot on Portola Drive. Mostly awful ones about rich idiots. Including the blockbuster 2005 romantic comedy Shoe Whore, that's credited with sending women's rights back fifty years. The store we're passing now is where British star Charlotte Crown was caught on film in the changing room eating and purging the same burrito over and over again. Just like a dog.
Tour guide: This is the Epsilon Center. Anyone with red hair, please cover it for your own safety. If you really want to meet a famous celebrity, this place is packed full of them. Take an introductory course. It... it changed my life. Kifflom!
Tour guide: Keep those cameras out and fingers on the trigger – celebs are skinny and fast.
Tour guide: To the left, you'll see a spot where a pizza boy claims that Clay PG Jackson asked him to remove his shorts.
Tour guide: Don't you just love people you've never met, and who would have you arrested if you came within ten feet of them?
Tour guide: And here is City Hall. This is where the mayor's office is, if any of you care. You might recognize this building from the twenty minute final dogfight to save Earth in the movie Invasion: Los Santos.
Tour guide: Please – refrain from taking photos of ethnic minorities. They could be gang members.
Tour guide: The next corner is where actor Scott Stephens famously prolapsed after a failed party trick.
Tour guide: Remember when Lazlow was arrested for masturbating with an eggplant and shouting at women? That happened right here.
Tour guide: And here we have the beautiful Oriental Theater. Riots broke out on the theater's opening night in 1928, as desperate fans tried to get up skirt shots of the legendary silent movie star Miriam Turner, much like you're doing today, except with really heavy cameras. My daughter tells me it isn't politically correct to say 'Oriental' any more, but considering some the other common terms for Asians in the 1920s, the name could have been a lot worse. There's a saying, that to go to Los Santos and not see the Oriental Theater is like going to China and not visiting a Burger Shot. I've never really understood what that means, but...
Tour guide: And here we are, back on the strip. As they say in Vinewood, that's a wrap, folks. I hope I managed to take your minds off the economic downturn for just a little while. I'd like to remind any Europeans that one percent is an insult, not a tip. Enjoy the rest of your vacation.