Formage defeats revenue service – Epsilon program, 'a religion, not a cult' court declares.
Cris Formage and his fellow Epsilonists were celebrating yesterday after the Super Court of the State of San Andreas overturned the Revenue Service's claim that they were a cult, and not a real religion, and therefore should have their charitable status repealed. An Epsilon Program Spokesman said "when you think of cults, you think of deluded, self-appointed demigods wearing silly clothes, inventing silly words and telling everyone how to live. That's not Epsilonism at all. We are a religion. We all like the same color and we are all involved in writing a great work of scripture just like any other religion. The Tract is not yet written but it will be soon. This is a great day for mankind. In fact it’s the best day for a billion years or more. Kifflom."
Rash of ATM robberies.
Citizens and visitors to Los Santos are being warned to stay on the alert after a spate of violent robberies at ATMs across the city. The LSPD is urging people to scan the surrounding area for suspicious characters before approaching an ATM. "We certainly do not want to encourage profiling", said police spokesman Lee Whitless, "but we would advise people to use cautious prejudice; you know, hide it behind a smile, the liberal way."
Los Santos Transit Authority to shut streets?
The Los Santos Transit Authority announced a 16 billion dollar project to install a network of streetcar rails throughout the city. "People love streetcars. They are in a lot of old movies, and you can jump on or off. And sometimes a woman gets on the streetcar in tears, and it starts to pull away, and then you chase after it, but it's too fast, and you never see her again. So you go to a boozy gin mill and pick up a floozy sitting next to you, secretly loathing her and yourself. We think this will be a big boost to tourism." City official Jack Ingram said. Others say that it's a massive waste of money in a town addicted to cars. Still others say they welcome the streetcars as something new to throw yourself in front of.
Stilt house collapses in Vinewood Hills
One of the most famous hillside stilt houses of Vinewood came crashing down to earth yesterday in an incident that has police claiming foul play. The house, which is registered to a Mexican holding company, fell down the hillside. Some eyewitness reports claim they felt some kind of local earthquake, while others said they saw two men trying to pull the house down. Insurance investigators have been at the site since this morning trying to figure out what happened. One told us "we will figure out what happened." Stilt houses, mostly built in the late 1950s and 1960s have been popular stops on Los Santos architecture tours, and this home, designed and built by legendary émigré architect Tueton for his Finnish movie star mistress, was considered a particular fine specimen. Rebuilding costs are estimated at between one and three million dollars.
Nerds still stiff for stiff.
Murder nerds are still going crazy for Leonora Johnson, the beautiful starlet who was hacked to death nearly 40 years ago in a crime that has never been solved. The murder has long fascinated a section of Los Santos crime aficionados and recently some believe there may have been a breakthrough in the long cold case. A slip of the tongue from movie executive Ira Richards led some to believe that his grandfather, Vinewood legend David Richards may have destroyed a confession letter shortly before he died. Various people are still trying to find remnants of the letter and see who wrote it. Mr Richards now claims he was misquoted and that this is a non story but that hasn't put off amateur detectives who have long believed a Vinewood cover-up helped protect a powerful killer who may still walk among us.
Your phone is killing your love life.
You see a pic of her online. She is irresistible. You begin sending messages. Pretty soon you're stopping what you are doing at work to check if she's sent a message. Your phone beeps. Thrilled, you check it. You sigh in despair. It's a message from your current significant other – nagging you about something irrelevant. Your heart dies. Many experts say that your phone is killing your love life. Instead of anticipating returning home, men are barraged by messages from their spouse, pushing them to the point of infidelity. A new initiative sponsored by Whiz Wireless encourages men to have a "good boy phone" for their wife or girlfriend and a "naughty boy phone" for things that actually make them happy.
Superclub to throb in East Los Santos.
Plans are underway to transform an abandoned warehouse in a nondescript area of East Los Santos into an EDM superclub. The project's promoter, Vinewood agent Rocco Pelosi, told reporters that, "It's gonna be the biggest party in town. Jacuzzis, chicks in cages, sparklers in the bottles. Every level's gonna have its own theme. Class from the floor up, and open 24/7."
- The club is projected to open next year.
=== Court rules in favor of aging actor.
Actor Gordon Henderson is celebrating today in the only way he knows how, by sitting outside his home and waiting for the Vinewood Star Tours bus to pull by so he can bow and wave to cheers. The Los Santos Superior Court has awarded damages to the actor and ordered the tour company to include his home in their tour route once again. Some argue that star tours are a meaningless and shameful celebration of fleeting fame and excess. Others say that tourists love a celebrity sighting, why are you ruining all the fun, and stop waffling on the issues.
===Private jet crashes in Senora Desert – dead include key witness.
A private jet bound for Liberty City has crashed in the Senora Desert killing everybody on board, in what police are calling extremely suspicious circumstances. The plane was carrying Javier Madrazo, a key witness in a case against a Los Santos based drug cartel, whose cousin Martin Madrazo, is alleged to be an organized crime kingpin.
Rocky Danger sent to glue factory in sky.
Fans of his movies are outraged that Rocky Danger might not get a star on the Walk of Fame in Vinewood. The legendary horse starred in western movies like 'Annie is a Walkin Funny Now', 'Two Boots for Betty' and 'Buckin Bronco Bitches'. Some of the biggest names in pornography performed with the horse, who starred in numerous western adult films before retiring to an abattoir.
Funerals get flavor as bodies are put in action poses.
How do you want your funeral to be? Most people don't think about such morbid things, assuming this party will last forever and that your body can take it. But local funeral director Frank Fernworthy has customers excited about to plan their arrangements with "adventure funerals". Rather than lying in a casket, the deceased are facing eternity on a bass boat, motorcycle, indoor climbing wall, felching, yoga or indeed any other activity they enjoyed. Fernworthy says he even did a special arrangement for porn stars Heather Sparkles and Johnny Roger who died performing a sex scene while on large amounts of speed.
Dead sunbather on front lawn for days.
Neighbors are shocked at the passing of 82-year-old Ethel Winthrop who spent her days on a lawn chair sipping alcoholic drinks. A grandmother who was forbidden to visit her grandchildren, she made happiness the only way she knew how - with gin and screaming at passing cars. She was dead on her lawn for days before someone noticed she might not be sleeping off a hangover. Services will be held this weekend. Her will requested an open viewing in her bikini. Her family will adhere to her wishes as long as they don't have to attend.
A prominent Chinese gang Boss murdered.
Wei Cheng, a prominent Triad gang boss was murdered yesterday. His Triad had been weakened by a series of recent incidents, both in Los Santos and bizarrely up in Ludendorff, North Yankton. Mr. Cheng, a Chinese national, was believed to be prominent in a two-way drug and weapon trade between China and the US, smuggling materials in and out of the country via the Port of Los Santos.