|Full Name||Kirk Simplex|
|Family||Samantha Muldoon (ex-wife)|
|Occupation||Hedge fund manager|
Kirk Simplex is, in 2008, a hedge fund manager who made $3 billion in 2008 alone. He married Samantha Muldoon, which lasted twenty minutes. He once bought eight different historic English castles, decking some out with tacky, modern fittings, and burning down others to increase the value of the former. In a later interview, he states that he bought the castles shopping online while drunk, and regretted the purchases.
- His marriage to Samantha Muldoon, along with other celebrity marriages in the in-game media that last under a week, is possibly meant to mock Britney Spears' 55-hour marriage to Jason Alexander, a childhood friend of hers.